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October 10, 2005
The Lowdown in Motown
Things recently overheard in New York:
Guy #1: Yeah man, she's kind of a hippie. I mean, her name is Maple.
Guy #2: Maple? You should tap that shit.
--3rd Avenue & 11th Street
Sober girl: Did you know your mother has a penis?
Drunk girl: My mom's wild!
Sober girl: So did you know?
Drunk girl: It's great, man, it's great.
--1 train
Black guy #1: I got all depressed after I lost my hair.
Black guy #2: You what?
Black guy #1: My hair; I got depressed when I lost it.
Black guy #2: I didn't know you had a ferret!
Black guy #1: Shit yeah, but halfway through I decided to shave it.
Black guy #2: You shaved a fucking ferret? What the hell you do that for, nigga?
Black guy #1: I just hated losing it, so I shaved it.
Black guy #2: Man, I'm fucked up.
Black guy #1: Me too.
--Union Square Regal Cinemas men's room
Two women pass each other on the street:
Woman #1: Saline?
Woman #2: Yep!
--St. Marks Place
Girl #1: ...sitting in a tree.
Girl #2: K. I. S. S. I. N. G.
Girl #1: First comes love--
Girl #2: Then comes the baby--
--125th/Saint Nicholas station
Girl #1: How bad am I? I'm going to have sex tomorrow and then pay Shiva a call.
Girl #2: Who cares? You've got needs.
Girl #1: Yeah, I guess you're right.
Girl #2: Remember when you had a harem?
Girl #1: Yeah, but I didn't have sex with any of them. I just fooled around with them.
--Bleecker Street Bar
Hobo: You man, got a dollar?
Suit: Yeah, got change for a hundred?
--Water & Wall
Hipster dude: Do you guys carry any men's shoes?
Salesgirl: Yes, they're on the wall behind you.
Hipster dude: Do you have any straight guy shoes?
--Barney's, Madison Avenue
Girl #1: So he kept asking me to have sex last night.
Girl #2: Did you?
Girl #1: No, I told him, "Look, I will not have sex with you. If you want a blowjob I will do that, but I will not have sex with you."...I mean what is a blowjob? Nothing at all.
--Bleecker & Macdougal
White guy #1: Dude, so I was like, moving in on this girl, and she was pruding. So she was saying, "I'm not that kind of girl, find someone else to hook up with."
White guy #2: But you weren't gonna let her off that easy.
White guy #1: Course not. So I'm like, "But I wanna hook up with you." So then I'm like, "Wanna dance?" And she's like, "Okay." And then when we get on the dance floor, this girl who was like a total prude the entire time becomes a freak. She was just like rubbin' up on my pee-pee and everything.
White guy #3: So you think you're gonna hook up with her tonight?
White guy #1: Nah nah, the odds of her touching my pee-pee tonight are slim.
--Palladium, 14th Street
Woman: Nigga, where you goin'?
Boy: Mom, action figures!
Woman: Nigga, the action figures is right here!
--Toys R' Us, Times Square
Guy #1: So how was your Rosh Hashanah?
Guy #2: I got a blowjob at a movie theater. Since I was watching Flightplan does that count as mile high?
--23rd & Lexington
Tourist woman #1: This is a really quaint neighborhood!
Tourist woman #2: Yeah, but it's really expensive. A small one-bedroom apartment is like $1,000 a month!
Tourist woman #1: Oh, my! Why would someone pay that?
--Bleecker & 11th
Flyer guy: Here.
Chick: No thanks.
Flyer guy: No? What the fuck you mean, "No?"
--Union Square
The subway doors open. A hobo enters, holding a bottle of windex in one hand and a tube of toothpaste in the other.
Hobo: Which is the better time to read Dostyevsky? Winter?
He sprays the windex.
Hobo: Or Spring?
He squeezes toothpaste out of the tube.
Japanese girl: Spring!
Hobo: You are correct.
--F train
Crazy: So I had to get fillings in all of my teeth.
Passenger: Uh huh.
Crazy: But I figured, why let them do that to me after they drilled holes in my brain, ya know?
Passenger: Sure.
Crazy: But I figured, might as well! Although if they were going to fill my teeth, I'd want them to use jelly.
Passenger: Yep.
Crazy: But the guy at the counter said they were out of jelly. So I got a blueberry muffin.
--R train
Hipster on cell: You asked me how I'm doing, and I tell you--and then you bring it back to yourself. You always do that.
--Verb, Williamsburg
Girl #1: My friend Chandra thinks she's still a virgin because she's only had anal sex.
Girl #2: How do you know this girl?
Girl #1: She goes to my church.
--New York Public Library, 40th & 5th
Jewess: That's the third time you mentioned Jews. What's wrong with Jews?
Goy: They are demanding, confrontational, and have a hard time telling the truth. What religion are you, anyway?
Jewess: Uh...Baptist.
--Times Square
Customer: A hot coffee, please.
Cashier: Huh?
--Starbucks, 28th & 3rd
Woman: Do you have a non-fiction section?
Book Guy: Well, everything that's not fiction is non-fiction. [Over] there's cooking, and there's history.
Woman: No, that's not what I asked. Do you have a section for non-fiction?
Book Guy: Well, there are no non-fiction novels. Everything here that's not a novel is non-fiction.
Woman: But you don't have a non-fiction section?
Book Guy: No. Everything that isn't fiction is non-fiction.
--Barnes & Noble, Staten Island
Kid #1: Paper beats rock. BAM! Your rock is blowed up!
Kid #2: "Bam" doesn't blow up, "bam" makes it spicy. Now I got a SPICY ROCK! You can't defeat that!
--6 Train
Woman #1: It's really small, you know, but the sex is wonderful.
Woman #2: You mean he's rich?
Woman #1: Yeah. Exactly.
--Union Square
Dumb teen: Hey, look at this! It says "Train for jobs in beeyotch."
Smarter teen: Fool! That word is biotech. Why you gotta be ignorant all your life?
--1 train
Yuppie: I don't think he's working now. All he ever talks about is monkeys and robots.
--Mayrose
Perceptive woman: Anytime you overhear people, if you only hear a second of what they say, it's always completely stupid.
--Greenwich Village
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Also, is this guy completely retarded?
"See ya next year my little children now don't go to the Rock City Corn Maze without a extra pair of Change of clothes or you may be in trouble if you get lost and get scared can't find your little way out and dreamy disillulions of the Wrong Turn movie come to mind you might have a little accidrent on yourself!"
| By Joshua Daniels | 7:10 AM