The Journal of my Other Self

MY CODE:

1. LAST MOVIE YOU SAW IN A THEATER: Sin City

2. WHAT BOOK/S ARE YOU READING? Lots of poetry - Neruda, Roethke, Whitman, Wright & Rilke. As far as so called "actual books," lately DeLillo's White Noise and Kosinski's The Painted Bird

3. FAVORITE BOARD GAME? Construction

4. FAVORITE MAGAZINE? MentalFloss, Newyorker

5. FAVORITE SMELLS?? Woodsmoke. Cold summer waterfalls. Indian Restaurants. Rising dough. Coffee. One woman's sweat. Deep blue stars.

6. FAVORITE FOODS?? Cereal - specifically Cinnamon Life, Honey Bunches of Oats, & Frosted Flakes. Naan w/ chutney. Scallops sautéed in butter. Pot pies & shit.

7. FAVORITE SOUNDS?? Rippling distant thunder. 'Cricket Music' or 'The Music of the Crickets' or, simply, Crickets. Calm evening waves. A train whistle echoing down a green valley. Musical saw. Cowbell.

8. WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD? Feeling yourself fall.

9. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE?? Coffee.....uuuuhhhh......Coffee........uuuuunnggnnnhh........

10. FAVORITE FAST FOOD PLACE?? Taco Bell, Wendy's.

11. FUTURE CHILD'S NAME?? Yehshua Mohammad Gautama

12. FINISH THIS STATEMENT: IF I HAD A LOT OF MONEY I'D GET OUT OF DEBT AND build a house in the middle of a vast wilderness. Go mad wandering the fields, forests, and streams. Write crazy good poetry.

13. DO YOU DRIVE FAST?? Relative to what?

14. DO YOU SLEEP WITH A STUFFED ANIMAL? My Ego, Id, and Superego.

15. STORMS-COOL OR SCARY?? Depends on the storm.

16. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CAR? 1984 Oldsmobile Cutlass 'Brougham Edition'

17. FAVORITE DRINK?? Coffee (The juice of True Being). Cola (The juice of sparkling sorrow.) Water (earth juice). Wine (drunken grape juice). Tea (Leaf-flavored earth juice). Milk (cow juice). Beer (I don't want to see what they juiced juice). In that order.

18 FINISH THIS STATEMENT, "IF I HAD THE TIME I WOULD" learn how to do everything in the universe except one thing. Then I would find someone or something that could perform the one thing I refused to, and then I would worship her/him/it.

19. DO YOU EAT THE STEMS ON BROCCOLI?? Steamed or Boiled? Steamed - mostly. Boiled - not so much.

20. IF YOU COULD DYE YOUR HAIR ANY COLOR, WHAT WOULD BE YOUR CHOICE?? Woodgrain, maybe Mother of Pearl

21. NAME ALL THE DIFFERENT CITIES/TOWNS YOU HAVE LIVED IN? Chattanooga. Portland, OR. Flagstaff. A city populated by open fields.

23. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH?? Curling. Table Tennis. Women's Beach Volleyball. Women's Tennis. Baseball.

24. ONE NICE THING ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? He thinks distant thoughts.

25. WHAT IS UNDER YOUR BED? The extension cord for my window A/C unit. A thimble full of broken dreams.

26. TOILET PAPER/PAPER TOWEL-OVER OR UNDER?? "Over! It has to be over! Bitch, what did I tell you?!?"

27. MORNING PERSON, OR NIGHT OWL? I'm what you might call a hoo-hoo (if you are a retarded gay man).

28. OVER EASY, OR SUNNY SIDE UP?? "Bitch! How many times I gotta Tell You?!! Over, just like the fucking toilet paper!"

29. FAVORITE PLACE TO RELAX?? This skill is, of yet, undeveloped in me.

30. FAVORITE PIE? Don't eat pies, never have. I will, one day, eat a pie. (Although this statement is clearly contradicted by the answer to #6, or is it?)

31. OF ALL THE PEOPLE YOU E-MAILED THIS TO, WHO'S MOST LIKELY TORESPOND? I am alone in an existential prison of my own design.

32. LEAST LIKELY? God

Took me four days to get there. As I entered the cave where The Oracle apparently dwelled I saw a fat old man in overalls passed out, stone drunk, on the floor of the cave. Next to him, also passed out, was a haggard woman in her 30's, completely naked except for a t-shirt that read 'Dart players have smoother strokes.' I sat, and I waited. This couldn't be the right place, but he might be able to tell me where to find the Oracle. I sat, and I waited.

Five hours later he finally woke. The sight of me in the cave must've startled him, because as soon as he saw me sitting there he quickly grabbed a shotgun and pressed the barrels right into my nose. "Who the hell are you," he stammered. "I'm looking for The Oracle," I said. He looked at me with a piercing stare for a long moment, and then he belched loudly and laughed. "Why the hell didn't you say so? I'm The Oracle there chief, most people call me Bobby though." He poked the leathery woman on the floor sharply with his shotgun a couple of times. "Louise? LOUISE? LOUISE!!! Get the hell up and put some panties on, we got a visitor. We got business too, so get us a couple of cold ones while you're up, and then leave us alone." "Sure Bobby," she said as she stumbled to her feet, put on her panties, which were hot pink and read 'Look, Don't Touch' across the ass, and walked into the kitchen at the back of the cave. I shifted nervously in my seat. Bobby sat down in a nappy brown recliner, and reclined, lifted up his Harvey's Transmission cap and scratched his sweaty, greasy, balding head, and then he smiled cartoonishly and belched again. Louise came back with two tall cans of PBR in plastic coozies. "Louise! We got business now! Go get some more sleep an leave us alone for a bit." He belched and then smacked her large ass as she left the main cave room.

"You got your Code," he grunted. "Yeah, right here." He took the paper, my Code, 32 answers to 32 seemingly benign questions, and studied it with an intense squint. "You walk here?" "What?" "DID...YOU...WALK...HERE," he demanded. "Yeah. Yeah, I walked from Chattanooga. Took me four days." "Good." He took the Code over to a desk that had a heavy wooden abacus on it that must have weighed a hundred pounds, and sat down. He clicked on a desklamp and looked at my Code, occasionally moving around the huge beads of the abacus, then looking back at my code, getting up occasionally for a cold one, then right back at it. Hours passed.

"Buddy....Hey Buddy..........HEY BUDDY," Bobby shouted as he nudged my shoulder. I had fallen asleep. "Buddy I got yer Code sorted out, you want to know?" "Know what," I asked, still glazed with sleep. "Know what your True Essence is, dumbass; that is what you came here for ain't it?" "Yeah. Yeah that's why I came here. I want to know." "Well, I just have to ask you that before I tell you, it’s the Rule. Some people, after they find out about their True Essence, wish that they didn't know." "I want to know," I said confidently. “You Sure?” “Yeah!” "OK, you got it. Well, after studying your Code, the Oracle, that’s me, Bobby, has concluded that at the very core of your Being is an Indie Persecution Complex. This is your True Essence." "...No....No....NO...NOOOOOO," I screamed as I felt my soul shattering, "that cannot be my Essence! It can’t be!” "Buddy! Calm the fuck down! It's just a Complex - I've seen worse. The Oracle has spoken, has spoken the truth, and that is that, ain’t nothin' else I can do. Sorry buddy. Well, don't mean to be rude, but me an Louise'r heading out to Huddle House tonight and, well, we gotta get ready to go soon, so you probably best be headin' out yourself. Good luck there chief."

I walked out of the cave stunned and shaken. Others had mentioned that I might have this Indie Persecution Complex, but I thought that if I closed my eyes and covered my ears that it would eventually pass, disappear, crumble and fall away. Now I find out that not only do I 'have' this Complex, I 'am' this Complex; it is the core of my Being, my True Essence, inescapable, undeniable. I walked back to my town crushed by this realization. Even now, acceptance is hard for me. I imagine that Jeff over at Connections felt much the same when he learned of his raging case of Commie Claptrap. Denial is not a river in Egypt, and it only works for so long. I've made progress though - I can finally say it: "Hi I'm Josh, and I have, no, I am an Indie Persecution Complex." It's hard, this knowing. Knowing that no matter what I do, what I say, my life will be an endless highway lined with ironic ringer t-shirts, tall cans of PBR, failed relationships, and Yo La Tengo vinyl. Ah well, that's what I get for wanting to know. To each his fate, eh?